As the semester starts to get back into the swing of things, I keep worrying that I’ll lose control of my goals/things that might be goals, and make old mistakes.
Maybe it’s because I don’t know what I want, maybe it’s because I don’t really want it. Maybe it’s because I don’t know how to balance my wants with my desire to make others wants happen. Maybe “wanting” is stupid and superficial.
I feel like I’m already starting to just “go through the paces” of school. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like “going through the paces”. I don’t like things always being the same.
Sameness is boring.
This contemplativeness, it’s either “not like me” or it is me. Thinking for the sake of thinking? Why? Why not? Where? How? Who? If?
Sparkling snow, lit by streetlights
streetlights, powered by electricity
electricity, same thing that’s running this computer that I write with now
computer, distraction, tool, friend
just called a computer ‘friend’.
sorta destroys the meaning of friend, when we can call inanimate, non-thinking objects our friends and people just smile and think “oh, he’s a computer science major”.
Isn’t it a bit… devaluing?
Sometimes I wish my brain was like snow on a sidewalk. I could just shovel all the stuff that’s pretty in it’s own right, but that gets in the way off to the side. It might ruin the purity and perfection of the newly fallen snow, but it wouldn’t bother me or others anymore. The only issue occurs once spring comes, and the snow melts away. All those ideas, lost in their current form, perhaps reconstituting another time to cause my life to be dreary, grey, and wet.
Wow, contemplative-me turned emo-me really, really fast.
Tags: general, introspection, snow, writing
